Feature Commentary 3
by etherealfire
Summary: What would a DVD feature commentary with Dracula, Van Helsing, Anna, and Carl be like? Rating may change later for content.
1. In the beginning

Okay, I was really bored one night and trying (struggling is more like it) to write a humor fic (I LOVE humor writing but I haven't done much, so I figured VH would be a good place to start since I absolutely love this movie). Please review and tell me if you think I should continue or not (because it took a TON of time and effort so, although I love writing, I don't think I'll probably continue this one unless you guys think I should), or if I should continue with specific scenes (and in that case, please list which scenes). Thanks much and enjoy!

* * *

_**Music begins—drumbeats and old horror movie music**_

"Good evening. My name is Count Vladislaus Dragulya, and I am the star of this movie, despite what the title may say. I am far more handsome than Gabriel, anyway. (_Smack_) Ow! Stupid monster hunter!"

"Stop it, you two! The movie's barely started and you're already fighting! Carl, did you take away their weapons?"

(_Silence_)

"Carl?"

"Um, well, you see, I wasn't entirely sure whether fangs counted as weapons, and I didn't want to get close enough to find out…"

"Carl!"

"Sorry…sorry…"

"Well, at least they can _wield_ weapons, unlike certain _monks_…"

(_Silence as Dracula and Van Helsing stop their whispered bickering and stare at Anna. Shouting of crowd audible in background.)_

"What?"

"_I told you today was a bad day to watch the movie, Dracula…PMS…"_

(_Slap_)

"Geez! What are you doing, Anna?"

"Well, _Gabriel_, if you hadn't _killed_ me at the end of the movie…"

"SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU! AND I AM NOT A MONK!"

"Do you want to watch the movie or not?"

(_All 3_) "Sorry."

"Hurry up with the introductions then! (_Under his breath_) Idiots!"

(_Marked silence_) "Fine. I'm Gabriel Van Helsing, famed monster hunter, trained by monks and…whatever that word was…from Tibet to Istanbul. My favorite food is…hold on, let me think…"

"Aaargh! Men! Good evening, everyone. I am Anna Valerious, Princess of the Gypsies."

"And I am Carl the-"

"No one cares. Besides, the movie has started." (_Dracula_)

"-friar."

**There he is! Hit it again**

"Oooh…battering ram…"

(_Dracula, amused_) "This man is your hero, Anna?"

"Quiet."

_**Thunder**_

**Success!**

**Oh! Count, it's just you.**

"What did he mean, 'just you'? Little upstart…I'm almost glad I killed him when I did."

"You _killed_ him?" (_Van Helsing_)

"Well, let me see…_YES_."

"Well, thanks for ruining the scene, Dracula." (_Anna sniffs_) "At least you're not as bad as Aleera, screeching away every time something funny happens…"

(_Groan_) "Tell me about it."

"Would you three please be quiet!"

"Listen, _monk_, we're not the ones munching popcorn. Keep it down, or I'll send Marishka after you…"

(_Carl squeaks in terror, and there is a clatter of popcorn on the floor_)

**…in most of the civilized world.**

**I'll take him away, far away, where no one will ever find him.**

**Oh no, Victor, the time has come for _me_ to take command of him.**

"I thought you didn't pray, Dracula?"

"A first time for everything, my dear." (_Chuckles_) "And my hair looks pretty good in this scene, don't you think?"

"Uh-HUH."

**And I do. But now that it is, as you yourself have said, a triumph…of science…over GOD!**

"Oooh…pretty explosions…"

(_Muttered expletives from Dracula_)

**What purpose?**

"Ooh! Ooh! I know! I know what pur-"

(_Smack_) "Shut UP, monk!"

"Friar!"

"Whatever!"

_**Crowd yelling**_

**Good God. I would kill myself before helping in such a task.**

"Exactly…"

"You know, guys, I'm starting to think that Dracula really is evil…"

(_Groan_) "VAN HELSING!"

"What?"

**He is the key.**

**I could never allow him to be used for such evil.**

**I could. In fact, my brides are insisting upon it.**

"Yes, in fact they reminded me of our dear Anna, PMS and all…"

"Watch it."

**Help me!**

**You have been so kind to me, doctor. Caring, thoughtful…**

(_Screech from Carl_) "It's him! That twisted little man! Van Helsing!"

**_Clang_.**

"Ooh…swords…"

"Yes, Gabriel. Sharp pointy objects. No, Gabriel, put down the stick…Dracula, a little help here?"

"Actually, I find this almost as amusing as the movie."

"Dracula!"

(_Sigh_) "Fine." (_Punch_)

"Ow!"

**_Evil chuckle_. _Scary music_**

_**Screech. Victor screams. Gushy sound as Dracula bites him.**_

"Ew!"

"Dracula, your look of fascination is rather…disturbing."

"Ahem. Sorry." (_Silence_) "What? I've already eaten tonight."

"Yuck." (_Carl_)

"Ooh! Wait! Can we rewind? Look how good I look right here!"

(_Silence. Snicker from Van Helsing._)

"Sorry."

**Buaahhhh! AAAAAHHHHH! _Crash_**

"Ouch. I remember that one."

_**Creaking door. Shouting.**_

_**Frankenstein breathing heavily as he staggers from the castle**_

**DR. FRANKENSTEIN!**

"Hey! He has a lisp too!" (_Anna_)

"What?"

"Never mind."

**Look! It's headed for the windmill! Come on!**

_**Crash**_

"I guess all those hours at the gym paid off, eh, Drac?"

"No, it's innate. Unlike _you_, Gabriel, I don't have to work out."

(_Silence_) "Oh, shut up."

_**Crackly noise as Dracula's face heals from the burns**_

"Nice." (_Anna_)

"Yes, it's rather handy. Watch this…"

(_Silence during which the sounds of Dracula's transformation are audible_)

(_Carl whimpers_)

"Geez, monk, you're not THAT scared, are you?...BOO!"

"EEEK!"

(_Snort from Van Helsing_)

_**Shouting and screaming**_

_**Door slams; footsteps going up the stairs**_

"No WONDER those mill workers always seemed a little out of it! Would you look at all that absinthe!" (_Anna_)

_**Music swells and sounds of torches can be heard striking the roof**_

_**Cheers and screams**_

"Wow! Look at his brain!"

"Yes, Gabriel, we've been over this already. He was struck by lightning and…no, don't stick your finger in the socket, it's not the same thing! Gabriel!" (_Anna)_

ZZZZZZZZZAAAAPPPPPP! THUD.

"Gabriel!"

"Oh, let him lie there. He's an angel; he can't die. We'll get some silence for a couple minutes, anyway." (_Dracula_)

"Hmmm…"

**_Screeches. _Vampires!**

_**Screaming**_

"Here I come again! Me and my lovely brides…"

"Must you always be so egotistical?"

"Anna, my dear, surely you know by now that it is my personality…or perhaps you're too busy staring at me to notice…"

**Father! NOOOOO!**

"May I take that as a yes?" (_Thud_) "Ow! No punching!"

"Nice, Anna."

"Thank you, Carl."

_**Crashing of windmill collapsing**_

_**Crying and wailing of brides**_

"Yes, in case you were wondering, Anna, they ARE like that nearly all of the time."

"I figured."

(_Dracula laughs_)

_**Drumbeats fade away**_

_**Music changes**_

_**Thunder**_

"Hey! A poster of me!"

"You woke up!"

"Who are you?"

"RIIIIIGHT. Shut up and watch the movie."

_**Woman's scream**_

_**Laughter**_

"Who's hurt? And really, who are you? In fact, who am I?"

(_BAM_)

(_Groan_)"Anna! What'd you hit me for?"

"Back to normal? Good. Now watch the movie."

_**Acoustic Gypsy/Spanish guitar part in background**_

"It's me! It's me!"

"Yeah, yeah, no one cares, Gabriel." (_Dracula_)

(_Silence_)

"That's a really big cigar." (_Carl_)

"Yeah, he eats it right before I k-"

"Shut UP! You're all ruining the movie!"

"Sorry, your 'royal highness'."

_**Creaking door**_

_**Footsteps**_

"I'm scared." (_Carl—who else?_)

(_Snort from Dracula_)

_**Loud growl as Hyde suddenly drops down in front of Van Helsing**_

"AAAAAHHHHH!" (_Thump_)

"Was that the monk?"

(_Muffled_) "Friar!"

"Whatever. And get up! It's not that scary."

"Easy for _you _to say. And I wasn't scared! There was a…a big spider on my hand."

(_Shriek_) "Spider! Where?"

"It's okay, Gabriel. Really. Sit down. Carl's just a scaredy-cat."

"So?"

"Would you three PLEASE BE QUIET!"

"S-sorry, Dracula."

**You got me good.**

**Dr. Jekyll, you're wanted by the Knights of the Holy Order…**

**It's Mr. Hyde now.**

**…for the murder of twelve men, six women, four…**

**Four children, three adults and a rather nasty massacre of poultry. So. You're the great Van Helsing.**

**And you're a deranged psychopath.**

"What does that mean?"

"You're the one who said it, Gabriel."

"Oh yeah!"

(_Dracula sighs in resignation_)

**_Heavy breath_. We all have our little problems.**

"See? I told you he eats it!"

**…so that they may extricate your better half.**

**_Grunts._ I bet they bloody would.**

**Personally, I'd rather just kill you and call it a day. But let's make it your decision, shall we?**

**Hmmm, do let's.**

**Grraaahhh! _Gunshots_**

"Nice aim, Gabriel. Almost as good as the aim used to kill…let's see, Marishka, my werewolf, not to mention _my children_…"

"Hey, it's over now, okay? Let's get on with our lives."

"Easy for you to say, 'Princess Anna'. When this is over I get to go back to my apartment."

"I thought you lived in Hell…"

"I do. Hollywood. Paparazzi capital of the world. Ooh, that one reporter…I think she's really a fangirl in disguise…" (_Shudders_)

**_ZZZZZZZZZZ_ _of tojo blades_**

**_Bell chimes_. Aaahhhh! The bell! The bell!**

_**Crash**_

"Darn! I wish I'd thought of _that_. It would have made things so much easier…"

"Shut up, Dracula."

_**Whirring blades underneath bell**_

**_Grunt_. Huh?**

"Look, monk, he's even smarter than your friend here!...monk?"

"Hey! He took the popcorn!" (_Anna_)

"What?"

"All of it! Carl! Get back here!"

(_Door slams in distance_)

"That's the last time we invite YOU to one of our parties!" (_Van Helsing_)

**I'll bet that's upsetting.**

"Wow…creepy…the movie-me just said the same thing we're all feeling!"

"How observant you are, my dear Gabriel."

_**Crashing noises**_

**Ah! Paris!**

"EWWWWW! You didn't tell me his pants were falling off! Honestly, I'd prefer…I don't know…Dracula to THAT!"

"I am so…flattered."

**…rather spectacular. _Laughs_. It's been a pleasure knowing ya. Au revoir!**

_**Gun fires. Grunt from Mr. Hyde.**_

"I shot him! I shot him!"

"Thank you for the insight, Van Helsing.(_Whispered to Dracula_:) I'm starting to agree with you on the intelligence issue."

**No. No no no no. _Stomping noise. _Heh heh heh…My turn!**

_**Screaming**_

_**Glass shatters**_

**Huh? AAAAAHHHHHH! _Thud_.**

"Yuck! Geez, Van Helsing!" (_Anna_)

"What?"

(_Sighs_) "Forget it."

_**People murmuring**_

"Nice dramatic stance there, Gabriel. Really well done. Don't you think so, Anna?"

"Mm-hmm."

"What's a 'stance'?"

(_Muttered expletives in Romanian_) "…stupid monster hunter…"

_**Music swells. Hoofbeats.**_

"Oh, the Vatican is beautiful in that scene. I wish I could go there one-"

(_Door slams_) "I'm back!"

"Carl?" (_Anna_)

"Sorry, I was getting desserts and salt for the popcorn."

"Oh. You're forgiven, then." (_Dracula_)

"What?"

"Never mind."

"No, really, what?"

"The popcorn is all that matters."

"As Dracula said…So, what'd you bring us?"

"Hey! You're ruining my scene!"

"All the scenes are your scenes, Gabriel. Get over it."

"Anna! Did you hear what he just said?"

"Yes. Now be quiet and eat your dessert."

"Ooh! Brownies!"

**…but it was Mr. Hyde who did the shattering.**

**13th century. Over 600 years old!...I wish you a week in Hell for that.**

**It would be a nice reprieve.**

**Don't get me wrong. Your results are unquestionable, but your methods attract far too much attention. Wanted posters? We are not pleased.**

**Do you think I like being the most wanted man in Europe? Why don't you and the Order do something about it?**

**Because we do not exist.**

**Well, then, neither do I.**

**_Grating slides down with a clank_.**

**When we found you crawling up the steps of this church half-dead, it was clear to all of us that you had been sent to do God's work.**

"Hey, Dracula, would you mind filling me in now?"

"What?"

"My past. You were going to tell me about my past?"

"Forget it. It would fry your tiny brain."

"Well then. Carl, got any more brownies?"

"That was a joke, Gabriel."

"Huh?"

"Or perhaps not…"

**Without us, the world would be in darkness. Governments and…empires come and go, but we—we have kept mankind safe since time immemorial. We are the last defense against evil, an evil that the rest of mankind has no idea even exists.**

**To you, these…these monsters are just evil beings to be vanquished, but… I'm the one standing there when they die and become the men they once were.**

"How very noble of you, Gabriel."

"I try."(_Slap_) "What was that for?"

"You are so slow."

**...to the far side of Romania. An accursed land terrorized by all sorts of nightmarish creatures…lorded over by a certain Count Dracula.**

"Hey! Is that you when you were alive?"

"It is."

"Wow! You were UGLY!"

(_Sigh_) "You never learn, do you, Gabriel? Anna, hand me that duct tape, will you?" (_Pull…rip_) (_Smack_)

"Mmph!"

"Much better."

**…promised God that his family would never rest nor enter Heaven until they vanquished Dracula from their line. They have not succeeded. And they are running out of family.**

_**Click**_.

**His descendant, Voris Valerious, King of the Gypsies. He disappeared almost 12 months ago. His only son, Prince Velkan. And his daughter, Princess Anna.**

"Mmph! Mmph mmphh mmph!"

"What is it now, Gabriel?"

"Oh, just take the tape off him, Dracula. He can't be too much more annoying than he's being right now."

(_Laugh_) "I thought you were in love with him, Princess."

(_Rrrriiiiippppp_) "Owww!" (_Van Helsing_)

(_Laughs nervously_) "I…What are YOU looking at, Carl?"

"Nothing!"

**So you're sending me into Hell.**

**_Pats back_. In a manner.**

**Valerious the Elder left this here 400 years ago. We don't know its purpose, but he would not have left it lightly. The Latin inscription translates as, 'In the name of God, open this door.' There is an insignia…Yes, it matches your ring.**

"Brilliant! I knew it! If only we'd had this movie when we fought you, Dracula…I mean…oh, bugger."

(_Evil laughter from Dracula_) "It is quite amusing how you fear me, monk…no, no, by all means continue. I find it quite entertaining."

**…faster, faster, faster! _Electric shock. _Getting there. "_Carl!_" Ah, there you are! Well, did you bring Mr. Hyde back or did you kill him?...You killed him, didn't you? That's why they get so annoyed. When they ask you to bring someone back, they don't mean as a corpse. Oh, all right. You're in a mood. Well, come on. I've got a few things that'll put the bit back in your mouth…Oh, any idiot can make a sword.**

**Hey!**

"Wonderful people skills, I must say, monk."

**Come along, Carl.**

**Here, take this. Rings of garlic, holy water, silver stake, crucifix…**

**_Rapid-fire gun_. Why can't I have one of those?**

"Ooh…guns…"

"THIS is the Vatican's top agent?"

"Sadly, Dracula, I'm starting to agree with you."

"D'you think it was the werewolf antidote?" (_Carl_)

"You're the scientist." (_Anna_)

"Speculation only…"

**My granny could kill a warlock.**

**_Laughs_. You've never even been out of the Abbey. How do you know about vampires?**

**I read.**

(_Snort from Anna_)

"What? What's so funny about that, I'd like to know?"

"Pipe down, monk. You're almost as bad as _him_."

(_Van Helsing humming in background_)

"For the last time, I'm not a monk, I'm…"

"I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my spout." (_Van Helsing_)

"What was I saying about werewolf antidotes, Anna?"

(_Giggle…cough_) "I think that was Dracula."

"Oh, wonderful, blame it on the vampire."

"As always."

"…a little teapot, short and…"

"SHUT UP, GABRIEL!"

"What?"

(_Collective sigh of defeat_) (_All 3_:) "Never mind."

**I've heard the stories coming out of Transylvania. Trust me, you'll need this.**

"Monk, you trust this man with guns?" _(sorry, Random-Battlecry; I love your story and I had to steal this line:p )_

"Actually, I glued the safety to 'On' for the entire trip there."

"Wise choice."

**Did you invent this?**

**I've been working on that for 12 years. It's compressed magma from Mount Vesuvius with pure alkaline from the Gobi Desert. One of a kind.**

**What's it for?**

"I was so sure he was going to break it!"

"I'm not THAT clumsy, Carl."

"Sure you're not."

**Twelve years and you don't know what it does?**

**I didn't say that. I said I didn't know what it's for. What it does is to…create a light source equal to the intensity of the sun.**

**This will come in handy how?**

(_Groan_) "Oh, please tell me that you two were intelligent enough to figure THIS one out. How in the world did you manage to defeat ME? No offense, monk, but really!"

"Friar-" (_Slap_) "Monk. Definitely monk."

"Thank you."

**You cursed. Not very well, mind you, but you're a monk. You shouldn't curse at all.**

**Actually, I'm still just a friar…**

"See? Waitpleasedon'thitmeI'msorry!"

**…want. Damn it!**

(_Snort from Van Helsing_)

**The Cardinal has ordered you to keep me alive…for as long as possible.**

**But I'm not a field man. Van Helsing, I don't want to go to Transylvania!**

(_Beep…beep…beep…)_

"Oh, there's the microwave. Dracula, put it on pause, will you?"

"As you wish, my lady." (_Music stops_)

"Very smooth."

"I thought so."

"Anna, while you're up, will you get me another brownie?"

"I think you've had enough sugar for one night, Van Helsing."

"But…all right, fine. Well, then…coffee, anyone?"

* * *

So, do you guys think that I should continue on or not? This is my first humor writing ever, except for Star Wars; I almost think humor/parody is harder to write than drama! (Don't ask me why…) As you can probably tell, this fic is in "real time"; I actually went through the movie (I had nothing else to do :D) and made up commentary as I went along. Of course, this fic will take a LOT longer to update but I have a lot of fun doing it, so tell me if you think I should continue (Or at least do certain scenes…obviously some of the movie can't be as easily parodied)! Thanks, I really appreciate your input. And by the way, if I'm not a good humor writer, I have a couple of stories (one drama/romance) that are probably a lot better :D. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW! Thanks! 

etherealfire


	2. Billiard balls and brownies

Okay, everyone, I'm back! I didn't have time (sad, I know, but such is life…) to actually go through the movie so here's a little blurb on between-movie-scenes (remember they were getting popcorn at the end of last chapter?). Enjoy, and please read and REVIEW! (your comments are greatly appreciated :D)

Oh, and on clarification—thanks, **The Princess Anna Valerious**!—here's a few tips so that I don't end up writing the names each time (part of the point is to know the characters well enough so that you can tell who's speaking):

Dracula: says "Gabriel" and is the only one who says "monk". He speaks more formally as well (and no, I'm NOT doing that fake accent stuff)

Anna: more "normal" speech; she calls VH "Gabriel" or "Van Helsing" (the latter when she's annoyed with/mad at him)

Carl: more timid; always says "Van Helsing"

Van Helsing: says retarded stuff (mostly protestations and random bits of song) (usually I'll write his name on there)

* * *

(_rumbling_)

"What was that?"

"Oh, calm down, Carl, it's just thunder."

"But…"

(_laugh_) "Leave the monk alone, princess. He's already scared being in the room with me…aren't you, MONK?"

"I…but…yes."

"Exactly." (_pause_) "Gabriel, whatever are you doing?"

"Yes, Gabriel, what _are_ you doing?" (_Anna_)

"Um…Van Helsing? I don't think that's such a good idea…"

(_Crash_)

"Gabriel!" (_Anna_)

"Well, he vasn't supposed to be standing on his head in the first place; what did you expect?" (_Dracula_)

"You're not helping."

"Am I supposed to be?" (_laughs evilly_) "I vote that we forget about the movie and watch your 'hero' attempt acrobatics." (_pauses_) "Monk, what exactly were in those brownies?"

(_silence_)

"Carl! What did you do?" (_Anna_)

(_A bit sheepishly_) "Well, he wouldn't shut up, so I added a little bit of…you know that green bottle that I have in my laboratory? Well, it's _supposed_ to make you go to sleep, but…"

(_Shocked silence_)

(_Titter…giggle…snort…_) "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" (_Anna and Dracula_)

"I'm-" _Gasp _"-proud-" _choke_ "-of you-" _wheeze_ "-monk!" (_Dracula_)

"What's so funny? And why am I upside down?"

"Sorry, Gabriel, we…" (_burst of hysterical laughter from Anna_) "…we…"

(_Screech_) "IT'S THAT TWISTED LITTLE MAN AGAIN! CARL! WHERE IS MY CROSSBOW! HE'S DANCING AROUND MY HEAD! OHGODOHGODOHGODOHGOD MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!"

(_Fizzling sound followed by loud POP_)

"-bleep-!" (_Dracula_)

"What happened to the lights?"

"You tell us, Carl, you're the scientist."

"Okay, everyone remain calm. VAN HELSING, STAY WHERE YOU ARE! (_Crash_) Damn it. You just never listen, do you?"

"Ow."

"All right, everyone, it's just a thunderstorm…" (_Carl_)

"Hey! Does that mean we can't watch the movie?" (_Van Helsing_)

"Forget about the movie. The microwave won't work!" (_Anna_)

"WHAT!" (_Dracula_)

"Okay…calmly…"

"Don't tell me to be calm, _monk_. My popcorn is gone!"

"Well, at least you can see in the dark."

"No, I can't."

"Oh."

(_Silence_)

"Why are you touching my hand, Dracula?" (_Anna_)

"I'm not touching _you_, you're touching _me_."

"It doesn't matter who's touching whom, you morons! The microwave's turned off!" (_Carl_)

"Right. So, who wants to be the first to navigate this room?" (_Anna_)

"What? What do you mean?"

"Well, with _Gabriel's_ billiard balls all over the floor…" (_Dracula_)

"Hey!"

"It _is _your fault. Don't try to blame the monk."

"Fine! I'll do it." (_Anna_)

(_Couch shifts_)

(_Shriek…thud_)

"Oof!" (_Dracula_)

"-bleep-, Van Helsing!"

"Get off me!" (_Dracula_)

"Sorry." (_under her breath_) "Stupid high heels!" (_Couch shifts again_) "Carl, your turn."

"Why is it always the friar?"

"Because no one likes you." (_Dracula_)

"Why not Van Helsing?"

"Because he can barely walk across the room when the lights are _on_." (_Anna_)

"Touché."

(_Buzzing sound_)

"Light!" (_Anna, Carl, and Dracula_)

"Brownies!" (_Van Helsing_)

"No more, Gabriel."

"But—"

"The movie's starting. Be quiet." (_Anna_)

* * *

Will our heroes—and villain—survive the billiard-ball-laden path to the microwave? What _did_ Carl put into those brownies? Will they ever finish the movie? (Yes, they will…I just take a while to update :D )

PLEASE REVIEW!


	3. AN

AUTHOR NOTE: (btw, it says we're not supposed to have these but I've seen them in other fics...someone please tell me if we aren't supposed to post these...)

Hey everyone! I just realized something that nobody probably cares about...but here it is: in a feature commentary, you can't pause the movie like Dracula does at the end of the first scene/chapter/whatever.So suffice it to say that this is the feature commentary's original version; the sound recorder kept running regardless of whether or not the movie was on. Sorry I just had to add this :D Thanks for reviewing and I'll update soon!

etherealfire


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